‘1883’ Fan Leaves Hilarious 1-Star Google Review for the Brazos River After Episode 4

by Amy Myers
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1883 fans have witnessed the dangers of the Brazos River in Episode 4, “The Crossing,” and in response, they’ve decided to let future pioneers know what they’re up against. On Google, several witty fans left some ironic reviews of the river that captured exactly what the caravan faced in a hilarious way.

Don’t get us wrong – the river crossing that the fictional and real 1883 pioneers had to endure was tragic and brutal. But in times of peril, we all could use a bit of comic relief, and that’s exactly what these fans provided.

In one review, someone named Mister Smith wrote, “Hard to cross. I had to leave my stove, piano, furniture and some old man threatened to burn my wagon.”

Another “Local Guide” named Paul Tudan agreed, “Very hard to ford with wagons. Would not recommend bringing pianos. Lost a few members of our party here.”

A third guide named Brandon even adopted an old-time accent in their reviewal.

“Make sure you throw out anything heavy before crossing with yee covered wagons: pianos, wood burning stoves and porcelain toiletskies,” the 1883 watcher wrote. “The brazos will make a widow or an orphan out of yee mighty quick like….. If ur women folk have any cumbersome dresses on yee might want to have her cut off some material down to her skibbiee, as it might just save her dang life… And if yee happen to make it across with your life….. Then you can huddle up and make plans to fight the Comanches, hunger, scorpions and the rattlesnakes….. It’s still a long way to Montana from here brother….. One long da** way…..”

‘1883’ Guides Shea and Thomas Wouldn’t Get Glowing Reviews on Angie’s List

The “pianos” all three 1883 fans referred to were from the scene when Pinkerton agents Shea Brennan (Sam Elliott) and Thomas (LaMonica Garrett) instructed the pioneers to dump anything that wasn’t absolutely essential from their wagons. And no doubt, if those travelers had access to a review site like we do today, they would leave the two men a scathing review. Needless to say, if the two independent guides offered their services on someplace like Angie’s List, they wouldn’t get many returning customers.

It’s not that Shea and Thomas’ tactics aren’t effective. Just look at the Duttons. Throughout the perils of the land, the 1883 family has remained intact, even though they may be a bit worse for the wear. Whether they intended to or not, they listened to the Pinkerton guides’ every piece of advice which is why their family name lived on to be the legacy it is in Yellowstone.

But, unfortunately, in order to lead pioneers through the unforgiving land, you have to be just as cold. So even when “some old man” threatens to burn down your wagon, you better do as he says.

Outsider.com