Mississippi State University’s Mike Leach is a lot of things. NCAA football coach, celebrated creator of the “air raid” offense, pirate enthusiast, dabbler in conspiracy theories (particularly those about sasquatch and aliens), and collector of oddities, just to name a few.
And perhaps the best thing about Mike Leach is that he’s utterly unashamed of each and every one of his unique interests. How can you not admire the unwavering confidence?
Watching a Mike Leach press conference, you learn all about his coaching style and the performance of his players, sure. But you’re also almost guaranteed to learn about pirates, aliens, yetis, or any of his other fantastical fascinations.
The Epic Postgame Dinosaur Rant Begins
In his most recent postgame session, Leach lamented MSU’s crushing 30-6 defeat at the hands of the Alabama Crimson Tide. Rather than talking straight forward strategy, however, Mike Leach went on an epic rant involving football, station wagons, dinosaurs, and, of course, a touch of aliens.
“Well I think we need to use our hands better,” he began. “We don’t move our hands very good. You know, when I was a kid and I was in grade school, there was this nice big dinosaur guy. I can’t remember the gas station, but they would give you a free dinosaur [toy] if you filled up there. That’s back when they had commercials on TV, and then they would give something to the kids like me.”
“And then the idea was that you should raise hell with your parents every time you’re in the station wagon. We had one, a good classic like one off the Wonder Years, one of those fake woody ones,” Mike Leach continued. “You know, fake painted-on wood. But then the best is it would always without exception the finish and the varnish on it would peel. So then it looked more bogus than ever.”
“So we had one of those and, of course, I tried to sit way back, in that jump seat back there, so you could pretend you were in a spaceship or something. And…but anyway, so they’d have these commercials, and they’re hoping to get the kids to raise hell, ‘Let’s go to this gas station.'”
Mike Leach Manages to Connect Evolution to Poorly Executed Football Plays
So, at this point, Mike Leach has gone waist-deep into an odd, elaborately detailed tale of his childhood. Is he ever going to talk football? Yes. And somehow, he manages to draw a zig-zagging line between his childhood dinosaur toy and Mississippi State’s failures on the field. Just wait for it.
“I can’t remember what the gas station it was, and they’d give you a little dinosaur, you know,” he continued. And you’d go to grade school and all that, and they’d start talking about evolution like as in if you don’t use a certain part of your body, as time evolves over century upon century, in natural selection, that part of the body disappears and even that animal might disappear.”
And now, we arrive at the point of Mike Leach’s bizarre, long-winded analogy.
“I’m genuinely fearful that on our team if me and the other coaches don’t get them right, that about a generation from now their kids and their grandkids won’t have hands,” he said. “Because from a lack of use those hands just disappear.”
“Maybe they’ll be like this (Leach mimics raptor hands), like those dinosaur hands like this. And you’ve got like a tyrannosaurus rex, which is clearly really good at eating things, with big ol’ jaws and all that stuff, certainly athletic and can run.”
“I mean, and I don’t want all of a sudden guys driving across this country, and then they get to Starkville, Mississippi, and all of a sudden there’s these athletic-looking friendly guys, because we have great guys, that don’t have any hands,” Mike Leach concluded. “And I hope that that’s not the case, but that’s where we’re headed right now.”